Those Things I'll Never Say
by littlefallenseraph
Summary: All the things I wish Castiel had just screamed at Dean after he swallowed all the souls in Purgatory. Written awhile ago, just posting it now.


Castiel entered the hotel room to find Sam asleep on his bed with a glass of water at his bedside and Dean sitting at the table with Sam's laptop in front of him and a glass of what Cas assumed to be an alcoholic beverage in his hand. Dean didn't seem to notice Cas's arrival and looked sad, as Dean usually looked when he thought no one was watching. After years of watching Dean without his noticing, Cas had come to realize that Dean showed his true feelings when no one was around: when he was by himself or, in this case, when Sam was asleep.

Now looking at Dean, features harshened by the light from the computer screen and hand gripping his glass so tightly that his knuckles were white, Cas was suddenly compelled to comfort his friend. If they were still that much.

"Hello Dean," Cas said quietly.

"Cas!" Dean started as he stood up and set his glass down. "Um…what are you doing here?" As an afterthought, Dean closed the computer, shrouding himself in a shadow that the light of the moon shining through the window graciously provided.

"Sam called me."

Dean glanced over to Sam. "Of course he did," he muttered under his breath. "Well what do you want?" Dean's voice suddenly sounded harsh, just as Cas had feared.

"I just wanted to come tell you I was sorry for…for everything," Cas tried to sound as apologetic as he felt, but was finding it difficult. He still hadn't completely gotten a handle on human emotions.

"Oh is that right?" Dean snapped. Cas couldn't tell because of the darkness, but he imagined that Dean looked more angry than forgiving right then.

"I just wanted to tell you that I know what I did was wrong-"

"You're damn right it was!" Dean aggressively advanced towards Cas stopping only a foot in front of him, and continued to speak-albeit in hushed tones-, fueled by his anger. "Cas, do you have any idea what we went through over the last weeks?"

"Dean I know I hurt-"

"No, Cas, you don't know!" Dean's voice was increasing in volume. "You left Sam, Bobby, and me in a wreck! Here we were, thinking we could trust you, and then you just left us here!" Cas felt his anger beginning to rise. "You can't possibly know what that's like!" How could Dean say that? "Has anyone you ever really trusted left you without at hope in the world, just sitting there? Of course that haven't! You don't understand at all what you did to us!"

Finally, Cas let his anger rip forward, everything that Dean had said to him in the past year was catching up to him. Tonight was only the icing on the metaphorical cake. "Of course I know how you feel, Dean! Or didn't you remember that my father has never even spoken to me, and has let me down so many times that I have lost count? Or that I looked for him for months, only to be told by my brother that my own father didn't want to speak to me? Or what about what I didn't tell you? Before I opened that portal to purgatory, I prayed like I had never prayed before. I told my father everything that had happened since I came to Earth. I begged him to give me a sign to show me what I was supposed to do but I got no answer. Don't talk to me about being abandoned!

"And furthermore, how many times did I answer your prayers? How many times have I dropped everything and come to you to help you? I've saved your life, your brother's, and Bobby's countless times. I was at war, Dean. So many times I took your side in spite of what my family thought or wanted. I rebelled and disobeyed for you. I had your back. But when did you have mine? I came to you, asking that you just allow me to do one thing, that you trust me. You couldn't even do that. If either of us let the other down it was you!

"You're so blind to anyone's needs but your brother's. You claim that you loved me like a brother, that you considered me a brother, but if you had, then you would have seen how much I was in need of your help. I was fighting a war. I needed to do what was necessary to save as many of my siblings as I could. Or do I not get the same luxury? You are the most selfishly selfless person I have ever met." Cas finished and turned his back to Dean, not wanting to see the pain he knew he had just caused. He didn't want to feel sorry for what he said.

After a few minutes, Cas heard Dean retreat and retake his seat at the table. It was a small gesture, but Cas recognized it as Dean letting Cas know that he had won. Cas turned around and walked towards Dean who was now holding the glass and drinking the brown liquid it contained. Cas sat opposite Dean.

"Dean, I'm sorry," Cas finally managed. "I shouldn't have been so unforgiving, and I understand how you felt. It's not your fault."

Dean let out a halfhearted laugh. "You don't have to make excuses for me, Cas." He took another sip of his beverage. "I'm the one who should be sorry."


End file.
